On Jon Qwelane, robbers and eTV

Did you see that the powers-that-be want to appoint my eccentric brother Jon Qwelane as our ambassador to Uganda?

This is the self-same oke who, as far as one can tell, is not overly fond of feigeles, tends to get somewhat tired and emotional from time to time, and definitely does not spend too much of his day reading Dale Carnegie.

He seems ideal for the job, not so?

This is thinking out of the box, my chinas. It's a bit like appointing me as a special envoy to wherever the Hamas head office is these days; Paul Trewhela as head of the ANC's history archive; Andrew Donaldson, the plump, brassiere-obsessed columnist on the Sunday Times, as chief PR for Schabir Shaik; my other brother David Bullard, aka the Bullfinch, as chief PR for the Sunday Times; and Deon du Plessis, the publisher of the Daily Sun, as national press ombudsman.

In a certain sense it is, nonetheless, a bloody relief, isn't it?

I mean, I was beginning to worry that there was no one left in the presidency with a sense of humour. I have been well and truly disabused of that silly notion, haven't I?

Moving right along (as my employer, Kris K, in the US used to say), I have recalled recently - like this morning, dude - a story I was told some years ago about this kugel, quite a looker but I forget her name, who used to live in Los Angeles when I lived in San Francisco (I had no difficulties with feigeles - some of my best friends and all that).

Anyhow, she returned to the beloved country in 1990 soon after the Great Man was released, so that she could take part in the bloodless revolution and all that.

She was driving through Hillbrow one late morning (honkies still did that then) when a gentleman with a coffee-coloured epidermis slipped into her borrowed beemer (people didn't lock the doors then), put a gun to her well-tanned temple (I mean her head, not her love temple, you bozo!), and suggested she stop the car, get out, and leave it to him.

[Okay, now listen up, readers, this is not radio, TV, or a podcast. This is print, so you have to do the accents yourselves in the privacy of your fertile minds. By way of guidance: she was a kugel deluxe with the full-on Johannesburg, whiny, nasal twang - like one of my former colleagues on The Sunday Independent - and the hijacker, well, let's just say that he was in his late teens, previously rurally-based, and hadn't attended St John's or Waterford. And the conversation went like this:]

"But you can't do this to me," she wailed plaintively, "why, why, why are you doing this?"

The young hijacker cogitated about this question for what was, in the circumstances, a long time - maybe 90 seconds.

And then he replied, in a dignified manner: "Because, madam (pronounced "M-E-D-E-M" - you have to get this stuff right), I am a robber."

The point of this anecdote from my happy youth is not only that this was a criminal with professional pride but that criminals actually do exist, they are a sector of our society, and, this being the case, we need to know as much as possible about them.

And I labour this rather self-evident truth in the light - or is it darkness? - of what has taken place around and following a "report" on two criminals on e.TV.

Ben Said, e.TV's group news editor, and a very fine fellow (I might tell you) with a stylish bald pate to boot, and a laatjie reporter called Mpho Lakaje put together a report on some allegedly "real" criminals who said that it was going to be business as usual for them during the forthcoming soccer jamboree - i.e., they were going to rob tourists and, if they were in danger, they would, echoing the instructions of a number of senior security officials, "shoot to kill".

Oy-va-voy-lanu; the minister of police, Nathi Mthethwa, and the national police commish, Bheki "if you don't smaak my hat, I have others" Cele got beaucoup upset - some serious indignation there - and Said and Lakaje got subpoenaed, in terms of section 205 (ay, there's an old china from my yoof!), to come and tell the man in the chair who those "criminals" were and to hand over all their film.

(Complicating the issue considerably is that the man who was allegedly the link between the e.TV news team and the two criminals - or maybe he was also on the news clip, it's not yet clear - killed himself, allegedly as a result of the whole fuss ...)

At any rate, Sanef (the South African National Editor's Forum) - that's a bunch of editors who get together from time to time to shoot the shit, have a tincture or two, and make pompous statements - for once got it right. They said: No way; you can't make these journos come and tell you who those criminals were. They are, from a journalism point-of-view, "sources", and we don't give away our sources. Because, if we do, then people ain't gonna talk to us no more.

Right on, I say - if we clamp down on criminals talking to journalists, well, then they won't talk, and we don't get to know about them.

But I concede that there are some small difficulties in this matter. First of all, how do you know who is a real criminal? Unfortunately - or fortunately perhaps - criminals don't write research reports or dissertations or win Mondi Shanduka awards.

According to the Sowetan - whose reporter apparently saw the news clip (one of the biggest problems being that very few people, including me, did) - the reporter has written that one man wore a stocking over his head while the other was filmed loading a firearm.

Well, I don't know what a stocking over the head signifies. John Travolta did this too, in a bad movie about three middle-aged bikers that I saw the other night. As for loading a firearm, well, there was a time when I could load a R1-rifle blind-folded and smoking a Texan plain, in 0,5 seconds - and I'm no criminal, though I did once have a girlfriend who used to call me "a robber's dog". (The R1 had a folding butt, but it was in Tempe, not San Francisco.) In other words, how do we know anyway that these okes were for real?

A second difficulty is that, assuming these bozos were legitimate, in what way are they "sources"? They were the subjects of the stories - but not sources. They never gave any information leading to the writing of a story or unraveling of an investigation. They were the story, or what they claimed - that they'd rob tourists and shoot to kill, blah blah - was the story.

Anyway, just as I was getting used to the idea of Qwelane as our man in Kampala (see first paragraphs), one of my bosses, Tawana Kupe, the dean of humanities at Wits, said, according to the Sowetan, that: "We have two men, armed, probably with unlicensed firearms, threatening the biggest event (World Cup) in the world. Surely their qualification as sources falls away."

What? Who cares whether the firearms are licensed or not? I would assume in any case that it would be sort of de rigueur for criminals to have unlicensed firearms. And, as already seems obvious, these okes weren't sources anyway.

But the issue still does remain: if journalists can't keep to themselves the identities of those to whom they speak, and who want to remain unidentified, then there're plenty of people who are not going to speak to them. Journalists are supposed to be journalists - not policemen or PR men for the world cup.

But let me be fair to Kupe - especially as I'd like to keep my job - and bear in mind that the Sowetan does have a propensity for tugging quotes wildly out of their context and for truncating them badly.

The thing is, I think, that everyone in the land is a trifle touchy because of the impending soccer jamboree and especially as hordes of people in the rest of world apparently think that Cabinda, Angola is hard by the Parkview golf course.

Oh well, watch out for okes with stockings on their head and loading firearms, especially if there's a news crew close by.

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A second difficulty is that, assuming these bozos were legitimate, in what way are they 'sources'? They were the subjects of the stories - but not sources. They never gave any information leading to the writing of a story or unraveling of an investigation. They were the story, or what they claimed - that they'd rob tourists and shoot to kill, blah blah - was the story."

Jeremy Gordin

 

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High Five ! Definitely one of your best tomes. Reminds me of MY yoof - when a sense of humour was de Rigeur or be shunned as a "wet blanket." Blasphemy and name calling was not de Rigeur - hence the blanket thingie. by old, female on January 21 2010, 06:55 Find this comment inappropriate? Report it

@this piece Good for you pops - keep it coming ... by Jake Pegaleg on January 21 2010, 07:01 Find this comment inappropriate? Report it

Ha, ha! Loved it, just loved it, even if it is so early in the morning. Must have met you in another life. by Koos on January 21 2010, 08:12 Find this comment inappropriate? Report it

Qelane-Etv Great work Jeremy--for a bagel you write brilliantly by scud on January 21 2010, 08:26 Find this comment inappropriate? Report it

P******* boring.... zzzzzzz by BillyDayid on January 21 2010, 08:50 Find this comment inappropriate? Report it

@BillyDayid kiss my Royal Canadian billy by Jeremy G on January 21 2010, 09:25 Find this comment inappropriate? Report it

Yoof Hey Jeremy you are a Yoooooofffffffff by Juju on January 21 2010, 09:26 Find this comment inappropriate? Report it

not medem nee maan Jeremy, in the 90's it was still missies not medem! Medem is relatively new. Journalists are journalists ya da ya da. Say you find yourself in Haiti covering the story unfolding there. You happen to see a slab of concrete that looks like . .more you can manage to lift if you give it a real go. Underneath the concrete slab, is a six year old girl, who for obvious reasons can't lift this stone. Do you: (a) Put down your notepad, tape recoder, camera (whatever it is you use to gather stories) and lift the the slab and rescue the child? But you are a journalist not a rescue worker! (b) Kneel down and take a very "moving" picture and scoop everybody else and win awards? You are a journalist not a rescue worker! (c) Interview the child underneath the slab of concrete, get your story and walk away. Win S*** load of awards. Afterall you just a journalist, not a rescue worker.... . .less by darkie on January 21 2010, 09:50 Find this comment inappropriate? Report it

ANC fails to adress crime SA has the highest crime rates in the WORLD, even after the crime stats have been understated by the police ! SA is the most dangerous country in the WORLD, officially proven by the facts and figures in black and white. SA is more dangerous for the common . .more citizen that Iraq and other countries involved in civil wars. It is time for drastic action, the ANC poor performance cannot argue with the official figures. Shoot to kill rantings will not solve crime. A drastic overhaul of the police and justice system should be first priotity !! COME ON ANC you can do it !!!!!! . .less by BobHopes on January 21 2010, 10:09 Find this comment inappropriate? Report it

@darkie You summed it very well. Journalists think they live somewhere else and not among us. They think we just read their stories without passing any judgement...and they are delusional enough to think any story they write would be interesting and appealing . .more to all who read it. Said and Lakaje must explain to us all what they hoped to achieve by flighting their 'story' and what they hoped to achieve by protecting those thugs. The gentleman who took a picture of the starving Sudanese child stalked by the vulture ended up comitting suicide; he could not live with the consequences of his journalistic actions. . .less by Sartre' on January 21 2010, 10:19 Find this comment inappropriate? Report it

When a felons not engaged in his employment..... He (or she) miight very well be out having a drink with his friend who might very well be a journalist. Do remember to get yourself one of those lovely stab proof jackets before the World Cup though. I see the come with a lovely logo printed on . .more the front, a white rectangle with two red diagonal stipes across, a bit like a target I thought. I wonder if Ben Said has shares in the company importing them? Anyway with one of them jackets, a Vuvuzela and one of Bekes hats we'll be all set for the World Cup. Thanks Jeremy, nice bit of common sense and a good laugh. . .less by Old Nick on January 21 2010, 11:17 Find this comment inappropriate? Report it

qwelane diplomacy Aren't there any requirements that one needs to fulfil to be considered for a diplomatic posting? I don't know maybe JQ knows a thing or two about diplomacy (no scratch that) or even you Jeremy can become a diplomat! Come to think of it, this looks like . .more the kind of job that you learn "on-the-job". Without further exposing my glaring ignorance of such important issues, what do diplomats do exactly...on a daily basis? Jeremy Gordin writes an average column (but at least he can prove that he does do something and, can you believe it, he was actually trained to write!!). Carlos Alberto Perreira wakes up and goes to an open field where he meets football players who will do everything to suck up to him and he gives them a few pointers how best to do so and voila another training session of Bafana Bafana done and dusted. He has a 1994 World Cup gold medal to show for it. So what would it take to score a lekker gig like Tony's in Argentina or Jonnyboy's in Uganda? . .less by darkie on January 21 2010, 11:52 Find this comment inappropriate? Report it

@darkie I swear by all that is holy that he said Medem - or so whatever her name was claimed. Other than that, you raise good points - what a pleasure to encounter a readr who does more than grunt. Make this man our ambassador to CT. But your analogy ain't good: . .more a couple of flirtatious thugs are not the same as a crushed girl. Anyway, my choice would be (a) - has always been (a) - but sure I suppose there are some people who would choose b and/or c. . .less by Jeremy G on January 21 2010, 11:56 Find this comment inappropriate? Report it

@Sartre Kevin Carter's suicide had nothing to do with his famous photograph - this is just unnecessary codswallop. by Jeremy G on January 21 2010, 12:03 Find this comment inappropriate? Report it

A missed opportunity It is said that the minister wanted to appoint Ben Said as head of crime intelligence. Some feel he will single handedly sniff out more criminals the entire Crime Intelligence unit put together . .more See: http://letterdash.com/g.annandale/crime-and-patriotism . .less by Geanann on January 21 2010, 13:39 Find this comment inappropriate? Report it

Nothing to achieve but pure sensationalism Guys, let's try to look at the reasons why those two criminals were given the platform to boost about their evil acts. We must not just rush into being judgemental towards the e-tv. Firstly what is it that the channel will gain or what is it that the . .more country or the citizens will gain if it is true that the interview was in the interest of the people. For me, after thinking about this whole thing, the only conclusion i came up with is that, E-tv is working together with foreign journalists who are trying to portray South Africa as a dangerous place to hold cup. After that terrorist shooting of soccer players in Angola, Foreign journalists tried to use it to dent south Africa's immage but it failed. Now E-tv is trying to do their job, may be Mr Said has got friends that he is trying to please in those countries. His aim is to try and make us look bad in the eyes of the world. . .less by Don P on January 21 2010, 14:16 Find this comment inappropriate? Report it

@Jeremy Gordin For your sanity, keep believing that your team members are doing a sterling job; otherwise where would you belong. But to assume that journalists are only in pursuit of their journalistic ambitions and have no sense morality is to make mockery of the . .more effort of all those journalist who lost their lives in pursuit of justice. Anyway: This is what Kevin Carter had to say about what the 'necklacing' pictures he took as a member of the Bang-Bang Club: "I was appalled at what they were doing. I was appalled at what I was doing. But then people started talking about those pictures... then I felt that maybe my actions hadn't been at all bad. Being a witness to something this horrible wasn't necessarily such a bad thing to do." What did Kevin's suicide note say, Jeremy? . .less by Sartre' on January 21 2010, 14:37 Find this comment inappropriate? Report it

Whatever! Grunt! by Jeff on January 21 2010, 18:58 Find this comment inappropriate? Report it

officers without a clue At least now we know what the police and intelligence services do instead of investigating crime and catching criminals - they are sitting on their fat bums watching eTV and expecting a breakthrough.. by mayday on January 21 2010, 22:17 Find this comment inappropriate? Report it

kosher krooks loved this piece, JG - from a NOT kugel deluxe in LA by nadine on January 22 2010, 00:28 Find this comment inappropriate? Report it

On Jon Qwelane, robbers and eTV You racist are hiding on this site busy with your racist agenda, i've now discovered this site and i'm going to tell all of you where to get off. by Paul on January 28 2010, 16:27 Find this comment inappropriate? Report it

Jeremy Gordin Are you the Jeremy Gordin who works at SAFM? if so i didn't know that you habour such racist ideas, but i'm here to sort it out, the only way SA is going to prosper is by throwing all racist whites into the sea, I WISH PETER MOKABA AND CHRIS HANI WERE . .more STILL ALIVE WE WOULD HAVE SORTED YOU OUT. . .less by Paul on January 28 2010, 16:32 Find this comment inappropriate? Report it

Paul, you're fighting the honest losers instead of the mafia cops! I hesitate to congratulate my former colleague Jon Qwelane for rising to eminence in a country where too much scum "gravitates" to the top. Fortunately Idi Amin's successors aren't likely to ask him any searching questions about the . .more self-destruction of SA. They are bound to be like Gordin's detractor, Paul, above. . .less by Siegfried Hannig on February 14 2010, 13:53 Find this comment inappropriate? Report it

Paul, your mafia is killing honest blacks, dammit! And nobody appears to be investigating the assassinations reported by the Sunday Times last week. The end is nigh -- except for Paul's murdering mafia. by Siegfried Hannig on February 14 2010, 14:03 Find this comment inappropriate? Report it

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