Africa's convulsions reverberate, on aged Somali skiffs, and in deadly Gripens.
On mice, men and coincidence
I was thinking yesterday of Paul Kammerer, an apparently brilliant biologist of yesteryear, whose passions were kissing toads and collecting coincidences.
Remember him? Arthur Koestler - the late, great author - wrote a book about Kammerer, called The Case of the Midwife Toad, which has an appendix where Koestler deals with Kammerer's Das Gesetz der Serie, The Law of the Series. (The book has an appendix, not the toad.)
Koestler also went on to write The Roots of Coincidence, about parapsychology, extra-sensory perception and psychokinesis, all that shit my wife utilises to drive me crazy of an evening. All I want to do is leaf quietly through my Playboy and Cosmopolitan - I'm interested in the porn pictures in both - but she keeps telling me about ESP.
Kammerer's book has unfortunately never been translated into English, isiZulu or chiVenda. But, in a blinding three-pronged motion, I am simultaneously approaching the Konrad Adenauer Foundation, Alan Knott-Craig, formerly of Vodacom (via his spokesperson, Peter "uh oh" Sullivan of the not-the-William-Bird Foundation), and Mondli Makhanya, an isiZulu speaker, of the Sunday Times - for funding for a translation.
It's interesting stuff. Kamerer postulated that all events are connected by waves of seriality. He was known to make notes in public parks of the number of people walking past him, how many carried umbrellas, etc. Albert Einstein apparently called the idea of seriality "interesting and by no means absurd".
Consider, for example, just the second and third paragraphs above. I, as it happens, was molested by a toad last Sunday - Andrew "hip replacement" Donaldson of the Sunday Times. This witty columnist, who is a hung like a hamster and obsessed with zombies and the brassieres of Zulu maidens, accused me of being a mouse with a minute chiluga. Now out of this coincidence, other coincidences flow - you could go crazy if you focused on the seriality of things.
For example, as I started reading Donaldson's column in the Sunday quietude of my modest kitchen, Hymie, the Gordin hamster, started swinging from the top bars of his cage and whispering "Andrew, Andrew". And my mother, may her memory be blessed, though she would never have said anything about my chiluga, did once accuse me of being a mouse - when I was having trouble giving up smoking.
What's more (I'm still on paragraphs two and three), Koestler, notwithstanding his other talents, was an appalling and incorrigible womaniser. He actually raped the wife of a famous British politician - and we (I, Hamster Donaldson, and everyone else) have been thinking lately about a certain, local, er, womanising politician, haven't we?
Thoughts of this politician - who shall be nameless because I do not want to be accosted by thugs and hauled off to Parkview police station to make a confession - have in turn led to other "serial formations". My learned brother Bullfinch aka Bullard (make a note: "bullfinch" - connection with Sullivan's Bird Foundation) has remarked, for example, that the great composer of majestic music, Johann Sebastian Bach, an even grumpier sod than Donaldson or Bullfinch, had five wives and 20 children.
And I learned just the other day - from The Oxford Dictionary of Nursery Rhymes (I was researching the woman who lived in a shoe) - that Edward Lear's mother had 20 children. And some kind reader wrote in (or do I mean "blogged"?), in angry response to "Uh oh" Sullivan, alleging that Knott-Craig was interested in more than one sort of bird. Geez, these Money/Politics web readers, they don't take prisoners, do they? They make Ben-Donald seem like a girl scout, which he certainly looks like in his mug shot.
And talking of Koestler, Kammerer, Bullfinch and Bach, did you know that the Police chief - not Bheki Cele, I mean Sting - was a keen reader of Koestler? Consequently, we had the albums Synchronicity (CG Jung plagiarised Kammerer) and Ghosts in the Machine.
Quiz - for those who want to be the brains of Politicsweb: Who was responsible for making one of the most gorgeously moronic musical statements of all time? Jacob Zuma? Andrew Donaldson? The Bullfinch?
Nope. It was Major Muff "no muff too tough" Andersen of the ANC. She - who, in a much earlier incarnation, was a music critic - once told my friend Roy and me that The Police were a very important group because "they are very sincere". As one of my creative writing teachers at the old Hebrew University of J used to say: "I don't want you little shits to tell me your work is sincere. My infant daughter [now, coincidentally, the writer Naomi Wolf] is sincere when she takes a crap. That doesn't make her faeces a poem."
And, question two, who is even meaner than Donaldson? The Politicsweb readers? Trevor Manuel, when in parliament? Maurag Ben-Yitzhak of The Sunday Independent?
Nope. The answer is Helen Zille. She wanted to send her colleague Dianne Kohler-Barnard MP, DA Shadow Minister of Police (that's like appending B.Com to your name), to - and I quote - "two police stations", to check on this hot-headed young fellow with a long finger, Chumani Maxwele. Zille is just being mean. Kohler-Barnard will tell the oinkers to fuck off - and then she'll be locked up and molested. What is Zille thinking?
In addition - I'm still talking about seriality and coincidences - I noticed this week that some letters from former president of the US, JF Kennedy, are to be auctioned Apparently JFK had some Swedish nookie on whom he was pretty keen. Hah, a womaniser. A similarity - you see - with Tiger Wolf (who has a penchant for Scandinavians), Jacob Zuma, JS Bach, Koestler, Edward Lear's mother, and so on. By the way, I see that Ernie Els has got his knickers in a knot (Craig?) about Tiger Woods planning to make a statement about his so-called sex addiction today.
What does one say, by the way? "I'm sorry, your worship, but she had great mammalian protuberances and called me her little hamster." Or: "I'm sorry, m'lud. But she was indefatigable. The par for the hole was 37." Or: "Culturally, m'lud, it is very insincere to leave a woman unsatisfied. I would have been arrested by my own bodyguards."
Or maybe (and I think this is what I would say): "Sorry, your worship. I was feeling so very transported at the thought of a group of some sincere and good people holding a meeting next to a bust of John Maynard Keynes in Cambridge - a bust of Keynes, m'lud, think about it! - and after a reading a certain Moneyweb columnist's ode to the new deity, Pravin Gordhan - in other words, m'lud, the spirituality and good vibes came in such tsunami-like waves - that, well, I saw a vision of the great toad Arthur Koestler hovering above the soccer field at Old Ed's and I could not control my hamster-like urges."
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Comments
Talking about serials, perhaps you should, like the erudite Ronald Suresh Roberts, stick to singing the praises of your favourite politician. A sequal to Zuma is now in order, especially since Zapiro has gone to all the trouble of designing a dust cover . .more
by Geanann on February 19 2010, 09:51
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He is wrecking your country. Wake up and do something.
by London on February 19 2010, 10:11
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He sounds like a filling rodent.
by Hypatia, Cat on February 19 2010, 10:37
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Jeremy, were you drunk when you wrote this? Kammerer to Keynes via Koestler? At least it was short.
by Gus Gosling on February 19 2010, 10:43
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Why don't you and Donaldson just put your chilugas back in your pants? All this public wanking is making the girls wonder at how little they have been missing.
by Nantie Steyn on February 19 2010, 10:47
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The return of Hymie is self-evident. Hymies insight and intellectual capacity channeled through his man-servant Gordin transforms this article from its humble origins to rival masterpieces such as The Master and Margarita. Its portrayal of characters in . .more
by Hymie Fan on February 19 2010, 11:25
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One for the portie : )
by x on February 19 2010, 11:47
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Oh, dear JG?! I wasn't expecting this sort of turgid swill from you. Two words. Game. Lift.
Do not lower yourself to respond to anyone in public, otherwise you'll both be rolling in your own s**t before you know it! Stay focused on the . .more
by Bheki on February 19 2010, 11:58
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Great read Jeremy. Your best yet.
by The man in the street on February 19 2010, 13:07
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takes the mind off the usual rubbish
by ea on February 19 2010, 13:21
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Was your reference to Tiger Wolf a Freudian slip,or is this an intended coincidental link to Naomi Wolf three paragraphs before?
by Sigmund on February 19 2010, 14:11
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If it was to make the reader cringe, yeah! Cant remember when I last read such rambling inelegant drivel, so lacking in literary style and purpose that I felt embarrassed for you... and your wife and kids.
by hymie fan on February 19 2010, 14:15
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"Jeremy, were you drunk when you wrote this? Kammerer to Keynes via Koestler?" Not to mention delicately permeated with and ending resoundingly in KRAP.
by hymen on February 19 2010, 14:35
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Are you refering to me? or JG? Or you are so confused you don't know?
by Hymie Fan on February 19 2010, 14:41
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Unprotected sex with his friends daughter, an illegitimate child with his friends daughter, unprotected sex with a woman who he knew had AIDS, he has had 5 wives with a few more in the wings and 20 yes 20 children some illegitimate apparently and some . .more
by Listen on February 19 2010, 15:30
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freudian slip ... however i caught it before sending .. but liked it anyway
by Jeremy G on February 19 2010, 16:59
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come on guys - which hymie gets the Toni?
by Jeremy G on February 19 2010, 17:02
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Like Johannesburg there are parts of the Internet deemed too dangerous to visit.The comments section on Politcsweb is a dark and scary place inhabited by trolls, hobgoblins, togaloshes and things that go bump or hump in the night. It can be spooky beyond . .more
by Hymie Fan on February 19 2010, 19:59
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Jeremy Gordin.: http://tinyurl.com/jeremygordin
Hymie H. Hamster: http://tinyurl.com/hymiehamster
by Green Gerkin on February 19 2010, 20:27
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since they employed praise singers Zoom Zoom Zoom and Voom Voom Zooom
by Ordinary Student on February 20 2010, 15:23
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Stick to brown nosing Zuma, Mr Gordin - at least Donaldson's column is worth a read.
by Retired hack. on February 22 2010, 08:59
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Yeah, you're right. Reminds me what a US Minister of Agriculture once said (got him into trouble big time!) : All the blacks want is loose shoes, easy sex, and a warm place to S***.
That's Zoom-zoom OK.
by Oompah on February 22 2010, 15:28
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Arthur Koestler
Eric Arthur Blair
11 12 or 13 ( unlucky for some)
W wie Wissen
by Bibliophile on February 22 2010, 21:18
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