Africa's convulsions reverberate, on aged Somali skiffs, and in deadly Gripens.
Beware, brother Msholozi, of the Mbeki Virus
Yeah, I know, dear readers, you're transfixed on London and Jacob G Zuma - bulky as Paddington bear in a black overcoat - going to meet the queen at Buck Palace.
"They're changing guard at Buckingham Palace/ A guard's life is awful hard, says Alice." Isn't that how it went? My big sis used to read it to me when I was little boy in my pajamas and slippers. (Even I was once a little boy in slippers. So was Zuma, though he had no slippers.)
Then there're the English newspapers which - when it comes to sheer, unadulterated racism - have shown us this week just what rank amateurs we are here. Not even Little Julie Malema of the ANCYL could beat these guys for crassness. Though the stuff about Zuma having twin children with a Ukrainian woman - why not a Lithuanian? - was so bizarre that it was difficult to take offence.
And then of course there's also the great Malema saga and the Case of the Rogue Signature, soon to feature Garth the Graphologist ... But, notwithstanding all of those rivetting tales, for me there has been only one exciting story during the last seven days ...
You could have blown me down with a feather, called me Donaldson, Mondli or Fred, bought me or sold me: I was so excited that the Sunday Times had at last gotten it right.
Okay, the headline was a trifle off the bull's - or should we say cow's? - eye. It said "Jessie Duarte quits", which was not strictly true. Our Jess was merely running another Duarte cri de coeur up the flagpole to see if Comrade Gwede Mantashe - or anyone for that matter - would salute... But never mind: the newspaper did, as I said, get most of the story correct. And, besides, newspapers have to sell copies; why let a few small facts spoil a fine story?
Anyway, never mind the rumble in the jungle; never mind the day the kleinbaas, Tubby Mbeki, fired his deputy sheriff; never mind the day the Tsunami struck; this was the really big one ...
On the left, small but feisty, weighing in at whatever, we had The Queen of Cows (as one of her co-workers calls her), Jesse Duarte, chief operations officer of the presidency, and, on the right, also weighing in at whatever, we had the ultimate Power Drunkette, Lakela "Kenneth" Kaunda (a woman all the way, wire-wire, no Caster Semenya she, even if Chris Gibbons was a bit woozy about her gender at lunchtime on Monday), deputy-director general (DDG) of the presidency and head of the Man's private office.
By the way, don't feel bad if all these titles confuse you. Just now, by way of preparation for this article, I tried to study what is grandiloquently referred to as the Presidency Organogram - no, Donaldson, not the presidential organ - and I'll be damned if I know what goes on at the Presidency. Problem is that I suspect that the folk there also don't really know.
Moo-hah! This was the battle to end all the battles. Listen, it's been coming a long time - a battle between these two - or at least it had been on the cards for a long time that one of Duarte's little tantrums, which have been going on ever since she made a return to Luthuli House, would reach the public domain.
This does raise an interesting question. Do we think Jesse baby shared her woes - as she is wont to do - with Moipone "pretty pony" Malefane, the comely reporter who wrote about Duarte and Kaunda, on the understanding that Pretty Pony would not write anything? Or do we think someone leaked the e-mail to Malefane? Or do we think Jesskele wanted the proverbial dirty washing out in public?
Hard one to call? No, not really. Immediately after the story broke on Sunday, Duarte and Kaunda insisted (their fingers crossed behind their backs so tightly as to cause gangrene) that they were the best of friends - and everyone else said they knew nothing of a resignation letter. In addition, whatever else Duarte might do, she would not consciously draw graffiti on the public façade of the party. She's a loyal hack. Besides, I can't see Pretty Pony and Jess being bosom buddies. Pretty Pony's not the type. So someone else must have shown the e-mail to her.
Embarrassing stuff for Duarte. But about time. I happen to like her. But one hears that she has been growing tired and emotional at regular intervals for a long time now - asking for that pat on the head from all and sundry - and one also hears that she can be, as I might have mentioned, the Queen of Cows. Finally, you know what Grandpa Abe used to say about his son, Daniel? "My son Daniel is such a clever boychik; but not as clever as he thinks he is."
As for Kaunda ... she really does think she's as clever as she thinks she is and she's got the power virus, big time. It's strange, you know. After Zuma was dumped, she stayed on in the government - went to work for Zola Skweyiya, now the ambassador to the UK - while others such as Ranjeni Munusamy did the hard yards. The minute Zuma was elected at Polokwane - I mean the very minute - Kaunda was back. (She had worked for him previously, when he was MEC in KwaZulu-Natal.)
Kaunda is doubtless a "real power" in the presidency and she certainly blocks people from seeing Zuma; no question about that. If she doesn't care for you, then it's cheers, big ears. And this has no doubt irritated Duarte when she's tried to get in certain people to see Zuma. Trouble is that one never knows to what extent Zuma connives with Kaunda - and also, in fairness to the fellow and Kaunda, there are literally thousands of people who want to "see" Zuma at any given time.
Still, Kaunda is an unpleasant eminence grise around Zuma; one can tell from the people she appointed to the presidency, especially the media bunch. When Zuma was elected, he was swept in on such a wave of goodwill that he could have chosen from the best and the brightest in the country. Even independent and good journalists (are there any?) would have been happy, for example, to form an advisory panel and trek to the Union Building once a month to assist with, say, presidential media policy.
But what did Kaunda do? She appointed a group of pusillanimous, feckless and compromised folk, her old buddies - no need to name names; they and we know who they are - which is why the presidency is, in terms of communication or marketing, or anything that requires a little bit of brightness and brain, pusillanimous, feckless and almost brain-dead.
Anyway, the public barney and "outing" in the Times could not have happened to two nicer people. And though pedagogy is not a strong suit of mine, I do think there are three points to be made.
One: though this is a minor tiff, it is indicative of the kind of petty mindedness and stupidity that has been going on at Luthuli House for a long while and has now been transferred to the Union Buildings - the problem being that these bozos are the people who are running the country and our lives.
Second: I'm sorry mom, I'm sorry Lisa Vetten, I'm sorry Colleen Lawn Mower, I'm sorry Martha Nussbaum, I'm sorry Germaine Greer - but too many broads spoil the broth. Seriously, Zuma has too many women around him. Aren't the wives and the girlfriends enough? Too many women, too much trouble, as the Zulu proverb goes.
Third: beware, brother Msholozi, of the Mbeki Virus. Your predecessor also had folk who kept him protected from people to whom he ought to have talked and to whom he ought to have listened. En kyk hoe lyk hy nou. My love to Elizabeth.
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Comments
the old man's still crazy after all these years
by jake the peg-a-leg on March 04 2010, 07:06
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Msholozi cannot afford to be without any of the reported five spokes people. There must at least be one to handle his 'family affairs', one for 'international engagements', another one to deal with 'provincial matters', yet another for 'office of the . .more
by Potso on March 04 2010, 07:41
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Hi Jeremy You should read the articles you write some time. What C***!
by Jon on March 04 2010, 07:49
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Because all (eastern) Europeans look the same...
by Vroom vroom on March 04 2010, 08:00
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Very interesting article.
To add to your third point, the President must by all means avoid falling into the trap called "Aloof" as was seen by many on his predecessor.
by Sihle Dube on March 04 2010, 08:18
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With his finger tracing the words on the page.
by Fred on March 04 2010, 08:31
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Hi Jeremy. I like your work a lot ,but this is a real bad piece of writing. Almost impossible to get through.
by Student on March 04 2010, 09:16
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Sihle Dube and the Jeremy Gordin, you are an amazing bunch. Rather than advice the President to do all things possible to ensure that he delivers on the promises he made, No, your concern is that he must do all things that will ensure he remains popular. . .more
by Charlie on March 04 2010, 10:00
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Totally incapable. If Zuma is their number one choice to lead us then things are really bad for all South Africans. Mbeki was useless and now we have someone who is absolutely incapable. Will they replace him? I do not think they have anyone any better, . .more
by Civil War on March 04 2010, 10:56
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Zuma
by Vote now on March 04 2010, 10:57
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aaaah, stuff you anyway
by Jeremy G on March 04 2010, 10:59
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They say that he is a "through and through" ladies man.
Would that be too farfetched?
They also tell me that having two female dogs (bitches) at home, one of them invariably will kill the other. Could this also be true?
by Injala Apera on March 04 2010, 11:29
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Jeremy-definitely one of your best to date.
Take a bow.
by scud on March 04 2010, 11:52
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I admit, I only read half the article. Found it hard to concentrate on what the hell Gordy Bear was going on about???
by The Patriot on March 04 2010, 11:59
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it's alwayz difficult 4 jeremy 2 get 2 da point, i suggest he stops writing, he's wasting time & space
by steve on March 04 2010, 12:17
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Just a question :
WTF do you smoke before you write ?
This is worse than anything Donaldson could conjure up.
by Adam Quill on March 04 2010, 12:51
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Am I missing something here? this is not an article. It's a disjointed series of ramblings passed off as something intellectual. Jeez, this is terrible....
by anonognome on March 04 2010, 13:21
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Sorry that there aren't any pictures to help u understand this article. Stick to chappies wrappers! This is higher grade stuff.
by Ghettogladiator on March 04 2010, 13:57
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...he read a speech with one finger tracing the words'.. (.And the other finger lodged firmly in his ample left nostril.)
by Voortrekker on March 04 2010, 14:38
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The problem with ANC leaders is they are not reading the right books about the great leaders in history and how they inspired and built great nations. The good examples are endless. Instead they appear to be reading books by the failed nations where . .more
by Proudly South african on March 04 2010, 14:55
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Moipone is a useful idiot in the scheme of things by Ayanda Dlodlo( she of the scorpions infamy), and her cohorts. It is said that she planted the story about Jessie because she wants her job. She just cannot reconcile herself to the fat that she advices . .more
by INSULTANT on March 04 2010, 16:05
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zzzzzzzzzzzHic! zzzzzzzzzzzHic! zzzzzzzzzzzhic!
by hic! on March 04 2010, 16:28
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JZ should beware his fawning sycophants - Kaunda won't want to be bridesmaid at the presidential hoolie forever.
Just look at what JZ did to his previous boss.
by Burtfred on March 04 2010, 16:29
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Mbeki has full knowlege of Zuma's Arms Deal corruption. He can spill the beans, but there are certain other ANC luminaries that would get bust - so, brother Mbeki must try and sink Zuma without sinking his other corrupt ANC chums.
Imagine the . .more
by Andy on March 04 2010, 18:49
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is more than hopeless, hapless, feckless, and witless he is seriously contending for the narcissus award for the most retarded yet self-satisfied journalist on the planet.
My conservative guess is that his consumption of brooklax for congenital . .more
by Plutarch on March 04 2010, 18:52
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Hey Plutarch you old bowels boffin - welcome back! Where have you been? We've missed you this many a week ..
by Jeremy G on March 05 2010, 06:41
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I have a serious problem if someone write like this more especially if it's a white person,we never said anything while they were still running the country abusing us,as African South Africans but they cant accept that things have changed, I think Madiba . .more
by Ayoba on March 05 2010, 09:58
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Whites don't see anything good in blacks, and never will if you lowlives carry on the way you are now.
by YT on March 05 2010, 15:37
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