What you don't get about David Bullard

Jeremy Gordin comments on Michelle Solomon's allegations against the columnist

Jeremy Gordin's response to "Firestorm of outrage over David Bullard Tweets" (6 February 2014).

I apologise for coming (as it were) so late to this (mass) debate ...for at a time when parts of the country are literally burning and Helen Zille has temporarily lost her marbles, this Solomon-Bullfinch matter is surely just masturbation relative to the real thing.

Anyway, I have been busy today, for hours, trying to figure out how to "peel" open the new Cadbury's chocolate wrapper - very difficult, probably harder than getting Ms Solomon to divest herself of her self-importance in the drama of life, what! Anyway, some points: use them, don't use them, whatever ...

First, why this shock horror about threesomes? Personally, during a long and happy life, I have been involved in only three - one was with my friend Roykela and a Jerusalem hooker (sorry, sex worker, a Jewish one from Yemen nogal) - and it was my distinct impression that threesomes are always a trifle tedious for the Third (Wo)Man, as Graham Greene might have named this person.

But, besides this, why the fuss? Are we not sufficiently liberated - and surely Ms Solomon, Eusebius MacCaesar, Anton Der Latke Harber, and the M&G's Shaik Mohammed Mujee-Wujee are liberated people? - are we not liberated enough for a bit of the old rumpy-pumpy x 3? Ms Solomon is presumably older than 16, though I admit it's hard to tell sometimes.

Second: who was the Third Person that the Bullfinch was allegedly trying to inveigle into the Groep Pomp? (Pump by die dam pump pump - ask Bismarck the rugby player.) One thing that the Bullfinch is - is excessively garrulous. So surely he would have told Ms Solomon? Why won't she tell us? If she did, and if this person (Dr Eve? Jennifer Crwys-Williams?) acknowledged that s/he was involved, Ms Solomon could rest her case - and what's more, she could rest her ass on her case.

Third: if Ms Solomon is as attractive - and as charming besides - as she appears to be, why would the Bullfinch want to share her? This guy, you need to know, is a raving Capitalist - he wants everything for himself - I know, I have had breakfast with him on numerous occasions and he makes JG Zuma's family seem like a bunch of boy scouts - so why in heaven's name would he suggest a threesome when he could have all that no doubt delectable flesh (I've never met the woman either) for himself? It's counter-intuitive.

Fourth: there are some men - there are many men, alas - who are forever making sexually lewd remarks and propositioning every woman/man they meet - and causing a great many sore thighs into the bargain.

I know this; I used to be one of them - and would still be one of them if I had the time and energy ... ah, had I but world enough and time, quoth the poet. But here's the thing, my sweetie pies: I know the Bullfinch reasonably well, and I have known people with whom he mixes and mixed (some alas are dead) for decades - and the one thing the Bullfinch does NOT do is hit on women (or men). He just doesn't. It's not his thing. Some of us do; some of us don't. He doesn't - unless of course Ms Brainbox Solomon mis-read a silly or mis-directed quip (which the Bullfinch does sometimes make ... well, nobody's perfect.) So I think, Ms Solomon, you need to re-think your fantasy ... in short, you need a more adept accusation.

Fifth: I don't know, Ms Solomon, if you were raped or not. You say you were; that's fine with me, I'll take your word for it if that's what you want to broadcast.

But I have to tell you that if it were not for all those fall-down-drunk, let's go meet the dogs (and the parents), no-no-no, well-mebbe-yes, shtups of my youth, my friends (the female ones too) and I would have had about 95 percent less acts of sexual congress than we enjoyed in the last 30 years of the last century - and I would not have met so many interesting and nice people. Trouble with you is that you were apparently inebriated, so you missed the best parts. (Just to elucidate for a Ms M de Waal and a Mr Herm Lategan [editor: who dem?] who apparently took offence at this line earlier: I don't mean Ms Solomon missed the best parts of a "rape" - I would suppose there are no good parts to a rape - I mean she missed the best parts of one of those drunken sexual encounters, falling over the dogs etcetera, that I remember from 1969-1992.)

Finally: What's with all the self-righteousness and nastiness from Eusebius (in whose tedious anal exploits we had to partake, from soup to nuts), Der Latke (who ought to know better and should stick to the Ivory Tower, the home of self-righteousness), and Haji Budgie-wudgie of the M&G? ... Silly question, hey? Duh. I'll be off then.

Jeremy Gordin is a Johannesburg journalist of advanced years who - sometimes being quite smart - never tweets.


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