OUT TO LUNCH
When I last visited Calitzdorp it was to break the journey overnight to Graaff Reinet en route to a water colour painting course my wife was attending in the wilderness near Nieu Bethesda.
We went for a quick wine tasting and port purchasing trip to Boplaas before checking into our guest house high on a hill overlooking ostrich farms.
The sunset was stunning and we thought it might be fun to drive back into the dorpie to look for somewhere to eat but when we arrived the place seemed dead and the few eateries that were open didn’t seem very inviting so we drove back to the guest house again and survived on leftover padkos and fruit and finished the wine.
Breakfast next morning was at the guest house and we left just after 8.30am after a great night’s sleep to continue our journey on the R62 past Oudtshoorn towards Willowmore and through some of the most beautiful scenery that South Africa has to offer. At no point did I have any clue that I was in a place called Kannaland.
That only dawned on me last week when I heard the news that a convicted child rapist (sometimes called a paedophile among the non-woke members of society) had been appointed mayor and a convicted fraudster and former teacher who had been fired for kiddie fiddling was appointed deputy mayor, both with the full support of the ANC; an organisation famous for rabbiting on about the scourge of gender based violence.
Now far be it from me, a white, land thief colonialist with a heavy dose of toxic masculinity and unearned privilege thrown in for good measure, to tell people how democracy ought to work but I can’t help thinking that the people of ‘Kannaland’ might have made a bit of a boo-boo here. As Lady Bracknell may well have remarked, “to appoint one paedophile may be regarded as a misfortune, to appoint two looks like carelessness”.
But these are liberated times and there is already a trans-gender academic in the US at Old Dominion University in Virginia who has suggested that paedophiles shouldn’t be stigmatized because kiddie love is as valid as adult love.
Dr Allyn Walker is the author of a book ‘Long Dark Shadow; Minor attracted people and their pursuit of dignity’ in which they (Walker’s preferred pronoun apparently) argue that there’s nothing wrong with heavy breathing men in dirty raincoats who hang around drooling outside school gates. Due to an outcry from some of the people of Norfolk, Virginia, Old Dominion University has put Dr Walker on ‘administrative leave’ while Dr Walker has rather predictably blamed these intolerant fogeyish objections on intransigent right wingers.
Maybe the good people of Kannaland are at one with the trans-gender Prof from Old Dominion University and see nothing wrong in their top municipal official’s preference for younger, tighter bodies.
After all, both the men in question fall squarely into the old, ugly, fat slob category and aren’t exactly spoiled for choice I imagine. And who’s to say that a convicted kiddie fiddler isn’t exactly the right person to fix pot-holes, clear uncollected garbage and attract foreign tourists to this beautiful part of South Africa? Heavens, we could clean up on sex tourism and become the new Thailand with the right advertising emphasis.
However, while appointing sexual predators to head up one of our municipalities may sit well with the local residents and the ruling party it probably makes us look a bit suspect in the eyes of those who are less woke and may have been considering a holiday in South Africa. It is just another example, along with so many others, of why South Africa has become an international joke under ANC rule.
I don’t have children so I’m really not in a great position to comment on this issue but comment I shall. If my imaginary children were kidnapped would I stump up R50 million to get the little blighters back?
Bearing in mind that the running cost of the kids up and beyond University is likely to be a far lower number I’d probably pass purely on cost benefit analysis. Or I might haggle and say let me have two but you can keep the rest and I’ll give you R10mln in Bitcoin.
There is something very, very strange about the Moti brothers kidnapping. They were away from home for three weeks during which no ransom note was reported. Then they were picked up, still in their school uniforms, after standing by the roadside and calling for help. This according to local media reports. They were then returned to their relieved parents in high spirits, again according to local media reports.
So, how probable is it that a child is abducted, held hostage for three weeks and then miraculously appears at a roadside in Polokwane still in the same school uniform? How probable is it that three weeks of being held hostage would have had no psychological consequences and four brothers could bounce back into normality in high spirits? If this were a movie script you would be sent back to the drawing board to introduce a bit of realism.
But maybe the four brothers were well fed, their clothes laundered and they were entertained with videos and computer games during their three week absence. That might explain the high spirits and the complete lack of trauma.
Then there’s the matter of the ransom which was, as reported by our highly reliable media, R50 million in bank notes. Assuming all the notes were the R200 variety then that is 250 000 bits of paper. That’s a lot of counting to do before you hand the kids back. And suppose you get distracted half way through and need to recount?
But, how easy is it to get your hands on R50 mln in bank notes I wonder? Do you just phone your local relationship manager and say “Hi, got a bit of a problem here. Kids have gone missing and I’m going to need R50 million in notes, preferably 200’s. Have you got it in the vault or should I bring the bakkie around tomorrow?”
Would this not raise an alarm with the bank and would they not be legally obliged to report this slightly unusual transaction under FICA regulations? Similarly, if you are the kidnapper do you, on receiving R50 million in cash, spend a lot of time at the ATM feeding it into your account? Would this not also raise suspicions?
Apart from this there’s the matter of who has R50 mln in cash just kicking around on the off-chance that their children might be kidnapped. According to a very dodgy looking Google site, Mr Moti senior has a net worth of around R700 mln which is pretty good for a second hand car dealer.
Even if that figure is ludicrously exaggerated it does seem as though the usually publicity shy Mr Nazim Moti knows how to make a buck or two in these troubled times. If ever there was case for Deon Meyer’s Benny Griessel this is it.
One of the by-products of COVID lockdown has been the explosion of podcasts and video-casts from people who have aspirations to be talk show hosts or TV anchors. I’m told if you have the staying power you can make good money but when I was approached by a loyal reader of PolWeb to do the same the words of Col Frank Slade in ‘Scent of a Woman’ came to mind…. “ I’m too old, I’m too tired etc etc”.
Besides, a weekly column is mistress enough without having to fall prey to the tyranny of a daily podcast. Which is why I have huge respect for Roman Cabanac of ‘Morning Shot’ fame. I now start my day, pre coffee I’m afraid, with Roman’s regular 7am weekday broadcast on YouTube which is considerately timed to around 10 minutes or so. Roman is an old friend so I am sure he will not mind some constructive criticism. You’re in showbiz now mate and you’re doing well.
So please don’t tell us that you are feeling unmotivated or lacking in energy because that’s not what we want to hear. Put on a show. Freddie Mercury never came on stage saying he was knackered after a hard night of sex and drugs and was only going to hum Radio Gaga.
Apart from Roman’s excellent start to the day there are many others to choose from, some of them far too long unless you are unemployed or have no life to live. Two weeks ago the SAIRR ran two shows on one day, one lasting 1 hour 43 seconds and the other 1 hour 35 seconds. Sorry chaps. Fascinating and multi bearded you may be but I can watch two entire Puccini operas in that timeframe. And have you ever heard of editing? I’m not interested in your health so dispense with the how are you Hermann, very well thanks and how are you Nicholas shtick etc etc. Get to the point and stop the waffle.
And if we are only required to listen to you dispense with all those Zoom laptop cameras focussed up people’s nostrils. If I only have to listen I don’t need to see your mouth moving and I can get on with other things while I am listening. Roman includes lots of clips, graphs and vids which make the camera essential.
As the 4th, 5th and 6th waves loom you could spend the rest of your lockdown life watching and listening to podcasts but my choice would be to stick to UnHerd, Morning Shot, Spiked Online and SAIRR (fast forwarded) if you wish to retain some sanity. And a bit of humour occasionally wouldn’t go amiss in these dark times.